Fiona is Floyd

Floyd's baby pic

{For those who are just starting: Fiona is my smaller, 6-month-old, female bearded dragon. Herbie is my 9-month-old fatass male beardie. See Herbie the Horny.}
All was good with the kids when I returned home from my weekend jaunt to San Francisco, so the Hub didn't let me down in tending the flock (he never does let me down in this respect--he's a great Dad--but I had to get that out of the way).
Monday night, I noticed a piece of tomato stuck to Fiona's butt, and since she still had some tomato in with the salad in her food dish from the morning, I didn't think anything about it. She ate some more greens from my hand, and then about 10 vitamin-dusted crickets, which is pretty normal. After feeding Herbie and turning all of their lights off, that was it for the night.
Tuesday morning I looked in on everyone, turned on the basking lights, dropped some fresh salad in for both Fiona and Herbie, and consequently noticed that the tomato was still stuck to Fi's rear-end. Once I picked her up to remove it, though, I realized I was horribly, horribly wrong.
That was no tomato.
Instead of something stuck to her ass, it was something protruding from her ass--something that looked very much like a giant hemmorhoid. I had left my best Bearded Dragon manual at work (lunch-time reading), so I decided not to panic just yet. I misted her with some water and put her back into her tank, worried but determined to figure out the exact problem.
At work first thing I looked up her ailment in the book. Then I was really worried. From the description and the picture, Fiona likely had a rectal prolapse, which is basically like a hemorrhoid, but can certainly be life-threatening if not treated. Knowing my regular vet (in good ole Tonganoxie) doesn't treat reptiles, I turned to the yellow pages to look for an exotic-animal vet in Topeka, the city in which I work. I knew of one in Lawrence, the town in-between home and work, but I figured if I could find one close to work I'd be able to take her in the next day on my way in.
After a couple of phone calls, I found one who made an appointment for Fiona that Friday. The man I talked to on the phone told me that in the meantime, I should clean the affected area, pour Karo Syrup onto the prolapse to reduce the swelling, and then use a lubricated Q-tip to try to re-insert the bulging tissue back into her body. All of this but the Karo Syrup sounded reasonable, so I figured I'd give it a try that night when I got home. (I mean really, Karo Syrup?)
In any case, Fiona didn't seem out of sorts at all that night, so I placed her in a warm bath to clean the bulge. After it was cleaned, it started to bleed slightly and I could see the degree of inflamation, which broke my heart all over again. I drained the water and refilled the tub with about a half-inch of cold water, hoping to reduce the swelling. Splashing around and trying to escape, she seemed to be more bothered by the temperature of the water than she was by her affliction.
Once she was dry, I took her into the other bathroom and proceded to lubricate her butt, the bulge, and a clean Q-tip with Bacitracin Ointment. On an even closer inspection, I started to become a bit suspicious. The bulge was definitely to the left side of her cloaca (opening/vent), and seemed to be rooting from beneath the opening. Because Fiona doesn't have a tail, there really didn't appear to be any room in her little body for the bulge to fit back in, since it was needing to go below the cloaca. In tears, I managed to poke the prolapse back into her body, but only for a moment. It popped right back out with her squirming and trying to get out of my hands, and the bulge was starting to bleed a little more.
Disheartened, I placed her back into her tank. Laying in bed, my head was racing. Why would a rectal prolapse appear to be coming from the side of her vent? It was obvious that there was no room beneath her cloaca for the tissue to be housed, but a rectal prolapse would generally be re-inserted to the area above the cloaca. I know that male bearded dragons have two hemipenes, which are held inside their bodies in-between the cloaca and the base of the tail, but for Fiona this shouldn't be an issue. She was young when I got her, but she was sold to me as a girl. Could it be?
Following another restless night, I was back at work on Wednesday morning when my phone rang. It was the vet clinic where Fiona had her appointment on Friday, calling to let me know that I needed to take Fiona in immediately for medical attention. The woman said she had talked to the vet about the situation, and that he had said that Fi couldn't wait until Friday; unfortunately, though, they weren't going to be able to get me in that same day. I thanked her for her update and hung up.
No choice but to call the clinic in Lawrence, Gentle Care Animal Hospital. They agreed that it was an emergency situation, and I felt my blood pressure increase. How could I have been so stupid? Their main Herp-Vet wasn't going to be in until that afternoon, but they told me to bring Fiona in as soon as I possibly could to go ahead and get her looked at. They could prep her for surgery while they were waiting for the vet to arrive. I let my coworkers know what was going on and I headed on home to pick up the baby (that's been the fastest commute to date). She seemed okay, but a little stressed out. We made it to the animal hospital in good time as well, and they were able to go ahead and take a look at her.
The vet we saw said that she looked dehydrated, and that they were definitely going to have to do surgery to correct the problem. She printed out an estimate of the likely cost of the procedures that they were probably going to have to do, and I called the Hub in tears. Surprisingly enough, though the sum of money required was going to be a big one, he was okay with it all.
He told me, "I know how much the kids mean to you, and I think we should do what it takes to make sure they're healthy. I also know that if I had to get my motorcycle fixed, you wouldn't have a problem with my spending that much money." I was shocked that he was taking it so well, but he made sure to add, "But this is it. No more animals!" We exchanged I love yous and I let him go.
Back out in the lobby I told the Vet that he had agreed with me that they should do whatever it was going to take. I kissed Fi goodbye before I left, and they headed back to set up a tank for her.
Once I had returned to work, I was still anxious but somewhat relieved. I managed to get some things done for the next few hours, and then my phone rang again. My stomach jumped up in my throat when I saw it was the clinic calling; thankfully, they were only letting me know that the Herp specialist wasn't going to be able to make it back from Kansas City that afternoon to perform the operation, but she was scheduled to be taken care of first thing in the morning.
I did sleep slightly better that night, but was eager to check on Fiona in the morning. I waited as long as I could (until about 10:30) before I called the vet, not wanting to be a bother but anxious to find out the status of my baby. They told me that the operation had been a success and that the vet was currently doing some call-backs, but he'd be calling me soon. Assuring me that she was okay, I hung up the phone and waited for the vet to call so that I could get the details.
About an hour later, I picked the phone up on the first ring. The vet who had done the surgery was Dr. Rausch, and he said that all was now fine. There was only little snag--Fiona's affliction wasn't a rectal prolapse. It was a penile prolapse.
Fiona was Floyd.
Honestly, I was so relieved and happy that everything was okay that I didn't even care about anything else. Dr. Rausch said that they wanted to keep him overnight to make sure he was making progress before I took him home, but I should be able to pick him up the following day. Friday morning went a lot better, to say the least. I was supposed to go to the Hub’s cousin’s (my friend Taylor)’s graduation from Vet School that afternoon (how ironic), but because of missing hours running from Topeka to Tonganoxie to Lawrence to Topeka, I wasn’t going to be able to make it to the commencement in time. Having already worked late every other day of the week, though, I was still going to be off a little early, so I was able to get to the clinic to pick up Floyd with enough time to talk to Dr. Rausch.
As I waited for him to get done with an appointment, they brought Floyd out to me, who was awake and alert and I assume ready to go home. When Dr. Rausch stepped out, I shook his hand and thanked him for everything, and we discussed some of the issues at hand:
Floyd is definitely a boy (or now an it), I was going to have to give Floyd medicine for coccidia and pinworms for the next week, and the prolapse was physiologically inevitable due to Floyd’s lack of a tail.
He agreed with me that there was no room in Floyd’s body for the hemipene to be stored; he said that as Floyd was growing and maturing, his hemipenes were also growing, and in-effect out-growing the limited area they had in Floyd’s body. Had Floyd been Fiona, it wouldn’t have been a problem. {As far as the coccidia and pinworms go, I knew beforehand that beardies always have certain levels of coccidia and pinworm eggs in their systems; like yeast is a natural part of a woman’s system, coccidia is part of the natural flora of a bearded dragon’s system. When the lizard gets sick or stressed, the coccidia and the pinworms reproduce to the point of an imbalance in the g.i. system, thus resulting in Coccidiosis and a pinworm infection (like an imbalance in the woman’s system would lead to a yeast infection). For both, the trick is to keep the levels balanced, because you’re never going to be able to completely eliminate either. }
In any case, I wrote the check for $221.46 and took my baby home.

Looking back, I’m wondering what the deal was with Herbie. I thought at the time that he was just a pedophile. Now it turns out he’s gay, too.
I wonder if he’s catholic?